Category Archives: having a baby

I Love Sleep. Sleepy, sleep, sleep.

“Let her sleep, for when she wakes, she will shake the world.” 

– Napoleon Bonaparte

I should preface this post with the fact that I have never actually seen Anchorman a disclaimer to appease the Mommy Wars combatants out there. I’m not using this post to brag, criticize, or diagnose. I’m not saying anything I’m doing here is better than anything anyone else is doing. I’m not claiming to be an expert at infant sleep or anything like that, but since we have a 4-month old who has slept pretty much through the night for a long time, I figure we must be doing something right. I’m just putting forth a list of things that work for us in the event that someone out there is frantically googling for help. Maybe something here will help. Maybe not. Whatever. Take what you need, leave what you don’t. If you don’t agree, feel free to keep on moving.

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Despite the awful first few months we went through with the Bean, I have to admit that she has always been a relatively decent sleeper. It was more difficult at first, obviously, but since she was about 8 weeks old we settled into a pattern and since then (knock on wood) she has been a rock star sleeper.

I think what has made it work for us is 2 major things: routine, and her disposition. Not all babies like to sleep, plain as that. The Bean does! She is like her mommy like that. If I peek into her room during her nap before she is done sleeping, she will actually give me a look, turn her head away from me, and continue snoozing. Fine by me.

So here’s some things that work for us in the sleep department. Like I said, I’m not looking to be contested or criticized, nor do I want people to think I’m bragging or saying that what I’m doing is better than anyone else. What works for one family doesn’t for another.

1. White noise machine. We have a little sound machine that I got at Walmart for like 15 bucks and it is awesome. It runs on batteries or A/C and has 6 different sounds. You can time it out to turn off after a certain amount of time, but I pretty much leave it on all the time.

2. Humidifier. Not sure if this contributes at all to the sleep, but I figured I’d mention it since we use it every night. It is SO dry up here, and I notice that if we don’t use it, she ends up boogery and congested the next morning. (So do we!) We have one that projects stars onto the ceiling which is an awesome night light, and it has a slot for Vick’s menthol…thingies? in the back so that if she is ever sick or congested, I can just pop one of those things in there and it will fill the room with Vick’s vapor. I think this cost me $30 or so but it has been a great investment.

3. Wrapping her. At first, she had to be swaddled to sleep. She is definitely one of those babies who prefers to be tucked in tightly. I am the same way though–I love climbing into bed and cocooning myself! Now that she is a bit bigger, I wrap her in an afghan tight enough that she feels secure, but loose enough that she can get her arms free if she needs. I have tried putting her in a sleep sack/wearable blanket, but the startle reflex is still in effect and she tends to wake herself up too much with those, so once that fades, I’ll start putting her back in that.

4. Naps! I am a true believer in that whole “sleep begets sleep” theory. Caroline naps usually 3 times a day, but sometimes she makes it 2 long ones. The trick, I think, is knowing her signs and schedule. Right now, she can only go about 2 hours in between naps, so usually at the first sign of tiredness, I put her down. I don’t wait until she is really tired. I also have dark curtains in her room so that her room is sufficiently dark during the day.

5. Binkie/Pacifier/Soother/Whatever you call it. Binkies tend to be one of those divisive yes or no items in the battles of the Mommy Wars, but we use them. She isn’t addicted to her binkie, in fact she usually only wants/needs it in two places: in bed, and in the car. When I put her down for sleep, I pop a binkie in, and she goes right to sleep. Sometimes she wakes up in the middle of the night wanting it back, but that is actually getting less and less often now. I think if I just started not giving it to her, she’d be fine, but I figure for now it’s working, and if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.

6. Routine. This one is big, I think. Babies like routines. Late in the afternoon, she will usually go down for one last short nap around 5:00 or so, and even if she is still sleeping at say, 7, I will get her up and start our bedtime routine. I have a feeling if I left her to sleep, she’d be fine, but she’d probably be awake for the day way earlier than I’d like. Our bedtime routine generally consists of a warm bath, low lights in the bedroom, getting into her jammies, lavender lotion, sometimes a story, and finally I turn out the lights and sit in her rocker in the dark and give her her last bottle. Once she is done with that (or sufficiently sleepy and not eating any more) I burp her, wrap her in her blanket, give her a kiss and put her in bed. Pop a binkie in, turn on her sound machine, and walk away and close the door. I check on her once before we go to bed, but other than that, I don’t bother her.

7. Limited interaction during the middle of the night. Right now, she is usually waking once a night to eat. When I hear her fussing on the monitor, I get up, make her bottle (I bring the formula and a clean bottle into the master bathroom before we go to bed since our kitchen is downstairs and it’s just that much faster), pick her up out of bed, change her (if I don’t she is usually soaked through her jammies by morning and I’d rather let her continue to sleep comfortably for as long as possible), and give her her bottle. Then burp, a kiss, back in her blankie, and back to bed with her binkie. I don’t turn on the lights, don’t talk to her very much, and keep things very quiet and calm.

8. Bedtime/Naptime in the crib. For the most part, Caroline has only ever slept in one place: in her crib. Obviously at first she napped frequently in her chair or in her wrap, and she sleeps in the pack and play when we visit her grandparents, but 99% of her nights have been spent in her crib. I’m not comfortable with co-sleeping and have only ever done it a few times when we were really desperate for sleep. Caroline knows that her crib is her safe place and that is where she goes to sleep. Even on night #1 home from the hospital, she slept in her crib in her room. Now–I should point out that we are lucky enough to have an extra bed in her room, and we slept in her room with her for about 8 weeks. I understand this isn’t a possibility for most people and you want to be close to the baby those first few weeks, which is 100% understandable.

9. She sleeps on her tummy. I know, I know. Big supposed no-no. But raise your hand if you were brought up in that generation when tummy sleep was not only the norm but it was recommended. The recommendations regarding SIDS change so often because nobody really knows exactly what causes it. I didn’t sleep her on her belly when she was a newborn, obviously. I waited till she was big enough and strong enough to lift her head, turn it, and support herself on her elbows. She just doesn’t like to sleep on her back. I started it out with naps, so that I could check on her frequently. Finally, I just started doing it for night time too, and she sleeps great. I think you have to feel 100% comfortable with this, though.

10. We let her cry. Yep, another battle cry for the Mommy Wars. If you haven’t already guessed, I’m not big into the whole gentle/attachment parenting thing. Just not my style. If I’ve just put her back to bed after her midnight bottle and I know that she is dry, full, and has burped, but she’s crying or fussing, I’m going to give her a little time to work it out on her own because I know she’s going to go back to sleep. (If anything, I will pop her binkie back in.) I never, ever rush into her room upon the first peep that she makes. When she is napping during the day, if she’s only been down for 45 minutes and I know she could go longer, I will give her a few minutes and if she doesn’t go back down, I’ll sneak into her room and put her binkie back into her mouth and usually that will do the trick. Obviously there are limits to this, I’m not going to let her scream for 45 minutes, and I wouldn’t do this with a newborn, but you get the idea. I know she knows how to put herself back to sleep and I think that’s super important with establishing good sleep habits.

So there you have it. Those are the sleep tricks that work for us–for the time being, naturally! I know things often change once teething begins, but I also think that establishing good sleep routines from the beginning helps a lot. I kept seeing people online talk about a 4-month sleep regression, but I don’t think we’ve had to deal with that. Every night is pretty much golden! (Not to press my luck or anything.) I’m happy to elaborate on anything you’re interested in hearing more about.

Happy sleeping!

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It was just the train.

I really thought we had turned a corner in this whole colic/reflux/whatever ride. I really thought we hard started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Now I’m thinking it wasn’t the end of the tunnel. It was just the train.

I know I said I was working on being more positive, and I’m trying to find positives in the fact that yes–it could be so much worse. My baby could be in the NICU. She could have suffered brain damage from the cord being around her neck 4 times at birth. She could have any number of much worse things happening and I do think about that and reflect on that. Sometimes that’s about the only positive I can come up with because man…some days are just. fucking. hard.

Our latest struggle is the fact that, by and large, unless she’s sleeping or tucked into the K’Tan (and sleeping, presumably), Caroline is crying. All the time. I get 20-30 minutes a day when she is awake and not crying–you probably think I’m exaggerating, and I wish I was. It’s not every day, but most days. She cries and sometimes screams and fights the breast and the bottle and being on her back and being on her tummy and pretty much every single damn thing I try to get her to be calm results in more frustration. Mostly I just wish I could figure out what it is–is she hungry? Overtired? Heartburn? Growth spurt? Everyone says at this age there are only a few needs that a baby needs to communicate via crying–but once those things are fulfilled and she’s still crying, what do I do? I feel like I have her on so many different kinds of supplements and meds for the colic and the reflux and not a goddamn one of them seems to be making a difference. I know babies cry. I know babies get fussy. But Caroline really seems to do nothing but cry.

The worst part is when I see other babies near her age who are able to spend good chunks of their days awake, alert, and quiet, happy to sit in their bouncy chairs or swings or on mommy’s lap and look at or play with their toys, smile and laugh…and I start wondering what I’m not doing right. Why can’t my baby be like that? I know it’s probably selfish to think that but really, deep down, I just want her to be comfortable and happy. And I want to be happy too! I want to spend time with her that is not otherwise spent in tears, I want to make faces at her and make her smile and sing to her and not just so that I can get her to sleep. I don’t want a baby who sleeps ALL the time, but usually that’s about the only time I can get that doesn’t involve one of us crying.  I’m terrified to bring her anywhere, terrified to invite anyone over, because I’m certain that she’s just going to cry the whole while and maybe I will, too, because what’s the point of going out and being with people when I can’t even concentrate on anything except my crying baby? Am I crazy to want to enjoy this time in my daughter’s life? Am I crazy to want to enjoy anything? I know raising children is supposed to be hard but isn’t it also supposed to be rewarding and joyful and wonderful? What else is the point in wanting to have children?

I know I’ve said it before but I’m not posting this looking for advice. I have more of that than I know what to do with and more than likely I’ve already tried it. I’m just using this as an outlet to vent because as much as I’d like to be, it is hard to be positive when the center of your universe constantly seems to be imploding.

In the meantime I’m just waiting for the train to arrive so that I can actually get on it…not just stand in front of it.

Presence and Positivity

I know I’m late jumping on the New Year’s Resolution bandwagon, but that’s sort of what happens when you have a 9-week old. (Don’t even ask about the state of the Christmas decorations…) I noticed this year that there seems to be a trend toward picking a word, phrase or idea to live the year by, rather than resolving to DO a particular something. I thought this was a pretty neat idea, since the idea of accomplishing anything (including writing this blog) is pretty much a pipe dream at this point.

So I thought, perfect, a few words to keep in mind throughout the year. I can do that. And I should do that. So after much thought (usually in the shower, the only place I get much time to think) I have decided on my Words of the Year. And, not to throw out several years worth of education in the theatre, where we were told endlessly to never, ever, upon pain of death make our acting objectives “to be” verbs…they are “to be” verbs.

The words of the year are presence and positivity. I need to be more present, and I need to be more positive. Which I’m guessing you predicted from the title of this blog.

So in the category of Presence. I have a terrible proclivity toward finding myself other places than in the present. I worry about the future and dwell on the past so often that I am literally not present in my own life sometimes. This is a problem when you have a baby, because every moment is a moment of growing and learning and it is so easy to miss those by thinking about other things. I have to learn how to be present because the past and the future mean nothing to her, and she will expect me to be with her in the moment. In order to be more present in my life, I’m starting off by doing things like removing things like “mom advice” pages from my Facebook. These resources are good for some people, and I thought they would be helpful for me, but just like the pregnancy websites that drove me insane, the mom advice forums do the same. I constantly found myself reading questions from women about sleep patterns, milk supply, food sensitivities, how long can you leave out breastmilk, blah blah blah, and it started freaking me out that I was going to fuck up my daughter and how was I going to deal with this when this happens? I realized that I don’t need to worry about what her patterns will do to her in the long run. I have a baby who needs to sleep now, and if giving her a binkie to put her to sleep is going to end up in a dependence problem in the future….it’s in the future. I need to deal with that in the future, when it gets here. I need to be present NOW and pop that binkie in her mouth and get her to sleep NOW. I need to quit worrying so much about what the future will bring, because the thing is, the future doesn’t just happen all at once. It’s gradual as it turns from the future to the present. And on that topic, since I can’t control or change things that have already happened, I need to quit dwelling on stuff that happened in the past. It’s over, it happened. Whether it was positive or negative is immaterial, because there’s nothing I can do about it other than learn from it, move on, and use that knowledge when it becomes applicable.

Not being so negative all the time leads me to my other word of the year, Positivity. I can get so negative sometimes that it really ruins things. I can’t focus on the fact that Caroline just smiled at us three or four times in a row because she might have slept really poorly the night before. And that’s why the two words go hand in hand, because being negative ruins my ability to be present and enjoy the moment. The other day coming home up the hill Caroline screamed pretty much the whole way and it totally erased the memory of that morning when she and I had laid in bed and she was happy and content and just cooed and touched my face and it was just perfect. The positive ought to outweigh the negative, but it doesn’t for me sometimes because it’s way easier to remember how hard it was to get through the bad time than to enjoy the memory of a good time. Negativity, a lot like stupid people on the internet, generally talks a lot louder than positivity. (As an aside, my computer is telling me that positivity is not a real word…well, suck it computer, it is now. I’m a modern day Shakespeare. If negativity is a word why isn’t positivity?) So, my goal for embracing the positive this year is to make myself a visual reminder of the good times, so that I can look at them when I am having a negativity overflow. I plan to do this by making myself a chalkboard to hang in the baby’s room, and every day I have to write on it something good, positive or beautiful that happened. This will give me a revolving record of good stuff to physically see every day.

My hope is that I will start to embrace the present and become more positive every moment that I am in it. Caroline only recognizes life in the present, and I should learn to take a page out of her book and embrace that….for her sake, and mine, and Cameron’s.

2 Months

The Little Bean is 8 weeks old!

At her doctor’s appointment on Monday, she weighed 8lbs, 10 oz and was 21 inches long with a 15″ circumference head. Growing growing growing! (And yet still smaller than a couple babies I know of who were born this year–at the time of their birth!) She is still pretty much wearing newborn size exclusively, which blows my mind since the majority of babies get one wear (or none at all) out of some of their smallest clothes. She got a fleecy sleeper for Christmas that is 0-3 months and it is still HUGE on her, so it seems to depend quite a lot on the brand or style. She did go up one diaper size though (which I determined after several instances of peeing out the sides of her diaper. One night I changed her swaddle twice. Ick.). She got her first round of vaccinations on Monday and she did great. I think it was harder for me than her! She only screamed a little, nursed in the office, and then immediately fell asleep for several hours. She cried and fussed really bad for about a half hour a little later, but it was not nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Her eyes are still dark gray/blue, but she has a little smidgen of brown in her left eye. I am hoping she will keep the gray (daddy’s eyes are gray) but heterochromia does run in my family, so maybe she will end up keeping that little brown spot. Hair is starting to come in light golden blonde, another of daddy’s features, so I have a feeling she is going to be all Carruthers.

What?

We are still dealing a little bit with the colic, but it is definitely better than it was. We have been giving her daily probiotics (though the fiasco with trying to find/administer those is a post in and of itself) and at her appointment this week her doctor thought she might have a touch of reflux, which could explain why she hates to be transitioned from one position to another, so he put her on Zantac also just to see if it helps. So, instead of having almost daily screaming fits, we have one or maybe two episodes a week which has helped so much. Breastfeeding is going much smoother now, too, thank goodness–I was really ready to throw in the towel on that one.

At the risk of jinxing myself, she has been sleeping great. She is in her own crib in her own room! I started sleeping back in our own bed on Christmas and although it was pretty tough that first night I have to admit it is easier than sleeping in her room. (More importantly it helped Cameron and me start feeling like we were married again instead of just being roommates, which had been an issue.) I usually put her down at 8:30 or 9 every night and she will typically sleep for at least 3 hours at a time, though sometimes more (5 hours one night!). I am getting up to feed her on average 3 times a night and getting up for the day with her around 7:30 or 8 each morning. Sometimes if she wakes up after 6 I will just bring her into our bed and let her snack and snuggle for a little while longer so that I can catch a few more Z’s too. I am just now starting to implement a daily nap schedule, with pretty hit-or-miss success so far. I know that at 8 weeks she is still sleeping upwards of 16-18 hours a day, so keeping her awake in between those nap times is often difficult, but I know she’ll start being awake for longer periods soon. Mostly, my point in putting her down in her crib for naps at least 3 times a day is to get her used to it. She catnaps a lot (usually on me) and while this is fine, I am not interested in getting her into the habit of only napping when she’s being held. Plus, it’s hard to get shit done during the day when she is always attached to me, and in the interest of me not going insane, it’s important for me to be able to get shit done. All things considered, though, I am really pleased that she is sleeping in her crib at night by herself, because setting up good sleeping habits from the beginning was a huge goal of mine.

Only the cool kids sleep sideways

She is starting to show interest in stuff like toys. She loves looking out the window in the morning. She isn’t quite grabbing for things yet, only incidentally, but I can tell she is focusing on toys when I show them to her. She seems to like things that rattle; her favorite toy on her playmat is a bulb that has little balls inside it and for Christmas she got a Nemo fish that clicks and rattles and she has actually been reaching for it (it’s attached to the side of her crib), but not quite grabbing yet. She can follow someone walking across a room and is responding to noise stimuli which is sometimes and good and sometimes not–good when it’s her glowing seahorse that plays music, bad when it’s the dog barking at dumb shit. She loves to be upright (a possible symptom of the reflux) and look at stuff, so I try to put her in her booster seat (it’s an off-brand Bumbo) at least once a day. Sometimes she’s into it and sometimes she’s like NOPE. She usually wants to be really active and she is already trying to push herself up on her arms when she’s lying on her tummy, so I have a feeling she’s going to be mobile in no time. Bathtime is still challenging, but she loves to shower with me. (So much that the other night she got so upset when we took her out that she actually threw up.) So we’ll see how my little water sign does when she is big enough to sit up in her tub on her own because so far it looks like she got mommy’s “fuck water I hate water” gene.

Ahhh fuck this chair!
Ahhh fuck this chair!
Oh, okay. Maybe not so bad.
Oh, okay. Maybe not so bad.

Some personality is starting to appear. She may look like her daddy, but she is all mommy in personality so far. She knows what she likes and what she wants and she better get it NOW if you want to avoid a meltdown. (Obviously right now that is pretty much limited to boob and binkie, but you get my point.) A few weeks ago I had her on her changing pad and leaned down to kiss her head and she was not having it–she squawked and smacked me right in the face, little bum. I can tell she is not going to be satisfied with sitting around letting the world pass her by, which is a good trait to have in my opinion.

No, do go on. I’m fascinated by this discussion.

Oh, and best of all–we have real smiles!

Goodbye, 2013.

It’s sort of difficult to look back and reflect on this year. It seems to have been impossibly long and impossibly full of both good and bad. I’ve heard from many people that 2013 lived up to its reputation of being bad luck and ended up being the worst year in memory. Not many people seemed to have enjoyed this year, and I can’t particularly say that I blame them. Obviously, this year brought us amazing goodness, but it was unbelievably hard, too. Cameron, his father, and both my parents spent time in the hospital. I seem to have lost touch with most of my friends. The flood. Oh, the flood. What happened in September this year put a huge crack in me that has forever altered the way I see the place I live–through no fault of its own–and I don’t think it will ever be fixed. I spent more time this year battling my depression and anxiety than probably ever before. Not to diminish the beauty that is my daughter, but her arrival brought with it almost 5 weeks of daily crying and some of the worst self-doubt I’ve ever had.

But there was beauty and wonderful moments this year, too. I celebrated my 25th birthday and Cameron turned 30. We spent three whole weeks in Hawaii, something I think about almost daily. We traveled to North Carolina to witness the union of two of our most wonderful family members. I started working on a new book with my agent, which was exciting despite how challenging it was. And, even though many of my friends seem to have fallen away from me, I grew closer than ever before to my best friend–my husband–and to my parents. Of course, most beautiful of all, my little girl. I cannot wait to see what this year brings us and I am so excited to watch her begin to learn and grow. I know 2014 will bring new challenges but it will bring new opportunities too, and I’m looking forward to it. I’m eager to see 2013 go into the record books and hopefully 2014 will not be repeating any of its bad habits.

Happy 2014, everybody.

Oh What a Relief It Is

Yes. 3 nights in a row of calm, collected sleep. For Caroline AND mommy and daddy. What. A. Relief.

I feel like we’ve finally reached some sort of understanding about each other, and started getting a handle on her preferences and what she likes and doesn’t like. I know patterns change and what works one night may not work the next night, but for three nights in a row, we’ve all slept well and it is amazing. I’ve had to learn to be flexible–sometimes she just doesn’t want to lie in her cradle and sometimes she wants to sleep on my chest and that is okay for now because if it works, it works. The little bean is still way too young for forcing patterns or routines on her. The time will come but for now, I have to learn to live by her cues.

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve gotten more sleep or because I finally feel like I have a handle on this whole “mothering” thing (or both, more likely) but things have been so much better the last several days. No crying (from me at least), no meltdowns, no middle of the night freakouts involving my being certain that there was no way I could do this. Apparently I can.

So, anyway. Enough about that. I will celebrate my small victories when I have them and I will embrace the positive days so that when I have a negative, hard day, maybe it won’t feel so hard. In the meantime, here’s what we’ve been up to this week!

Caroline practices meditation
Whiskey claims freshly laundered baby blankets
Milk drunk!
Baby’s first Starbucks?
Playmat time! She really seems to like tummy time and can almost turn her head!
All dressed up for her first snow!

 

“Okay, I guess we can keep it.”
Gazing longingly at the lap that used to be his.

 

Spilt Milk

You know that idiom about crying over spilt milk?

Whoever came up with that was obviously not a new mother. And especially not a new mother trying to breastfeed an underweight newborn who vomits said breastmilk all over mom right before bedtime.

(Did I mention said new mother is already feeling like she’s barely holding it together? You probably catch my drift by now.)

Yeah, that was my night last night. Caroline had been fussy most of the day and didn’t seem to be feeding very much (only a minute or two at a time and never taking both sides) but it’s so important for her to put on weight right now that any sign of hunger I try to give her the boob. I was starting to get frustrated and nervous and worried, most of all, that she wasn’t getting enough food, so I was already in a pretty bad place by the time the evening rolled around. I was in tears before dinner was over so we decided to go up to bed early since we were both obviously tired. We got upstairs, got ready for bed, and I fed Caroline one last time and she got really fussy. I swaddled her, tried to burp her and shush her, and nothing was really working, which of course only frustrated me more. Finally I decided to use a technique from Happiest Baby on the Block and turned her on her side and jiggled her a little–and she projectile puked all over the bed and the floor, which was pretty much the straw that broke this hormonal camel’s back. I turned to take her to the bathroom (what for I have no idea) and she threw up again all down my shirt.

Cue some absolute hysterics. And I mean hysterics. I had no idea what to do so I just sat down on the edge of the bathtub and started bawling until Cameron came in and took her from me and put her in her crib. Then he took me into our room to try and settle me down. It’s not like I was taking the whole thing personally; it’s not like I was thinking “my baby hates me so she’s puking all over me.” I was so upset and worried that she wasn’t getting enough to eat if she was throwing it up. I was worried that she was sick or something–you know, all those first time mom freakouts. After about 15 minutes of the mother of all meltdowns we finally went back to the baby’s room and crawled into bed–conveniently, she had been fast asleep since barfing all over me. She slept from about 8 till 11, and then unfortunately was up every hour till 2 or so, when she slept till almost 6:00. It was a rough night and she kept fussing every time we put her down. We tried her chair, thinking she might be wanting to sit upright, but no dice. She only seemed happy when she was being held, which meant we had to hold her until she really passed out and then we could put her down. So, for that 3-hour period it was pretty rough. She would wake up and make these noises like she was struggling to burp or pass gas or poop, none of which she was doing when we picked her up and tried to burp or jiggle her. My rope was already so thin and I just kept saying “I don’t know what you want!”

Anyway. The struggle to balance out the hormones has been challenging so far. For some reason, it’s always worse at night. Maybe it’s the time change and the fact that the sun goes down at 4:30. I feel like if I nap during the afternoon, I’m wasting good daylight time that I really need to feel normal. It’s hard. Caroline was fussy part of the day today, though perfectly calm when we went to the library for story time, and this afternoon she had (according to Cameron) a huge poop, and since then she’s had some solid feeding times and slept through most of the afternoon, so maybe she had to pass something through her system and that’s what was making her upset the last day. I don’t know. I think that’s part of what is exacerbating my hormonal craziness, is the not knowing what she needs when she’s been fed and has a dry diaper and otherwise doesn’t seem to need anything. I know it’s just part of the deal, I know she’s supposed to still be in the womb so she’s still doing a lot of growing and I just need to deal with it and get through it–but that’s my rational side talking. My irrational, hormone-filled side sees her crying when I can’t tell what’s wrong and is sure that it’s because of me, because I’m a horrible mother and she’s sick and isn’t gaining enough weight.

momcaroline

I just have to keep reminding myself that this time will get better and I have to take everything one day at a time. And more importantly, that I’m not a bad mom.