Category Archives: TTC

Exhausting.

Here follows mind!vomit about TTC. Read no further if you do not wish to indulge in my stupid venting.

I’ve already told several of my girlfriends that when they decide to start having children, may they get pregnant 1) on the first try, or 2) without expecting it. Because the TTC process should be considered cruel and unusual torture.

I know I have no reason to be saying that, knowing there are so many other women and families out there who have struggled for months and years to get pregnant and here I am only trying for 4 months. But it still wears on you. It really does. You get to a certain point about halfway through the two week wait when you realize that the only thing you’ve been doing for an entire week, every waking moment, is think about the two week wait. And no matter how hard you try to NOT think about it, you think about it. If any women out there have strategies for not thinking about this period of time, I’d love to hear it. Because it is exhausting! I think trying not to think about it is more tiring than thinking about it. God. About halfway through you start getting those feelings of ‘I’m not feeling any symptoms, I bet it didn’t happen this time’ and then you start thinking about how long it’s going to be before you can try again and it just spirals out of control. It’s made even worse when you get advice from other women saying things to the effect of, “don’t think about it, it’ll just happen.” Yeah, not gonna happen. It’s especially hard when this comes from women who got pregnant on accident or had the wonderful luck to get pregnant on the first try or basically never had to experience the torture of the waiting.

I’m so tired. (Except that I’m not tired, and I wish I was, because then maybe that would be a symptom.) I just want it to be over and get two lines and not have to think about this anymore. I’m not even able to work on the book because by the time I get to my desk at night my brain is so tired from thinking about getting pregnant that there’s nothing left in it to work with. I find myself thinking about making plans for later this year and next year and how hard it is. How my brother-in-law is getting married in Hawaii next year and all I can think about is how we shouldn’t buy tickets yet because if we don’t get pregnant this calendar year then I could be way too pregnant to travel or might have just had a baby, all that jazz. Trying to start a family changes the way you think about the future.

All this being said, last night the hubby heated up some leftover dumplings from the Chinese place he had lunch at and it was the most offensive, overwhelming smell I’ve ever smelled. I usually love those things so I can’t help wonder. Of course. Wish I didn’t, but I do.

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It’s On

It being a new Two Week Wait. Oh joy. I’m cautiously optimistic this month as I started temping and used an OPK and everything happened as it should have (My temp jumped .4 degrees this morning so I’m fairly confident something happened), so my fingers are crossed that we might have gotten our timing down this time. Now that I’ve been doing BBT and OPK (TTC is so full of abbreviations, isn’t it?) I can tell how off we had been the last couple months, aided none at all by a certain iPhone app that had my ovulation date at nearly a week off when it should have been. So, these next couple of weeks will be an exercise in not going too crazy and not getting too stressed either.

Thank goodness I finally have the book to concentrate on.

Womp.

Well….back to CD1. Bummer.

I’m trying to find that silver lining in the fact that when we were in Hawaii, my cycle was really messed up and came 6 days late. I am never that late. So I know there were a lot of things going on that means I might not have ovulated at all. Different environment, different food, different altitude, I wasn’t sleeping very well because of the hotel bed, we flew in a plane once a week for the entire three weeks we were there (which actually meant 4 trips), there were a lot of different stressors that could have contributed. I’m still on a 30 day cycle which is a little out of the norm, but at least it’s that and not a 35-day cycle. 30 days is not terribly weird.

In any case, we broke down and bought an OPK for this month because frankly I’m tired of dicking around and guessing. Better to just pin it down for sure. This was only our third cycle trying. I’m bummed but I’m trying exceptionally hard not to be worried yet.

In the end, at least I am working on the book now, and I have a little something to distract myself with because I’m actually DOING something. It helps even if it’s small. And, at least I can have a glass of wine tonight…

Some ramblings…

Sorry, dear readers. This is not a Hawaii post. I want to devote some time to the next update and needed to write about some other things in the meantime. So if you’re here for a Hawaii post, you can probably skip this one, unless you’re interested in reading about my TTC rambles.

Preface One: Fair warning to those of you who are in a difficult place, you might not want to read any farther because it includes a fair amount of TTC bitching. I know sometimes it’s difficult to read so consider this your chance to turn away now.

Preface Two: I know many of you might read this and think I have nothing to bitch about and don’t get me wrong, I know I’m still very fresh to this whole experience and in the grand scheme of things I have nothing to bitch about, but I have to get all of this off my chest. So just keep that in mind.

Coming into this whole trying to get pregnant thing I had no idea how hard it would be to deal with the whole Two Week Wait thing. Boy do I envy people who get pregnant by accident. And I hate them a little, too, in the nicest way that one could be hated. If you’ve ever experienced this you know what I mean. It just seems so much easier than dealing with the counting and the monitoring and the waiting. Ugh, the waiting. And being that we started off on this whole thing actively trying, (rather than just haphazardly hoping it might happen) I don’t know how to go BACK to just letting it happen and being surprised. I don’t know if I can, mentally. Not such a big deal for the hubby, maybe, but probably too hard for me now that I know what needs to happen when.

Before we left for Hawaii, I took a test. BFN. It was within 5 or 6 days of when my period was supposed to come so I figured that was it. But then my period was 6 days late when we got to Hawaii. I tried to reason with myself that it was the stress of the travel and the new environment and the new bed and the new food, even though I have never been that late, ever. Part of me also started to fret that the previous ovulation had been off, or I’d miscounted, or that something was wrong, which sent me into a complete tailspin of worry. So naturally by the 4th and 5th and 6th day with no period I started to really wonder. I bought a test while we were there and it too said negative. I was cautiously optimistic, but, alas, good ol’ Aunt Flo arrived on our first night in Maui. Sigh. I worried that my whole next cycle was going to be all fucked up, but right around the time when I re-counted for ovulation, all signs said go.

I had a really good feeling while we were there. A really good one. I was really hopeful that it might have happened this time. And then, on the very last day of the trip, I woke up with a UTI. This would be a complete bummer in and of itself without all the worries that popped into my head about taking antibiotics and what if that interfered with conception or implantation and all that stuff. I went to an urgent care clinic a couple blocks from our hotel because I know the symptoms and I knew it was only going to get worse and I was not about to spend 8 hours on a plane with a raging UTI. The doctor spoke more Japanese than English so it really wasn’t an option for me to ask if there was any chance that the antibiotics he put me on would affect anything. I frantically texted my nurse friend back home and she told me not to worry, but of course it didn’t help a whole lot. Needless to say that really good feeling I’d had a couple days before was somewhat deflated.

And so here I am, 10 DPO and trying desperately not to overthink everything and not to symptom spot and all that because I know it helps absolutely nothing. I actually deleted my fertility monitor apps on my phone because I realized I was thinking about that all the time and it probably helped nothing. Last night I woke up with some mild period-like cramps, which I typically get about a week before my period arrives, so of course I then sat up for the next 2 hours with a complete feeling of dread. (Although to my own peace of mind, usually about a week before my period is expected I actually get really bad cramps for one night, and these were very mild, so I am holding out hope that it was just something else going on in there.) Then I fell asleep and had a dream that my brother and his girlfriend got pregnant. Before us. My brother is 20 and as good a guy as he is, he has no business being a father right now. He still lives at home and I don’t know if he can boil water. Not to mention he’s only been with this girlfriend for a couple of months and–like I said, as nice as they are–I think getting pregnant would be a challenge, to put it nicely. And of course it would be massively hurtful, even if they hadn’t meant it to be. Goes back to that thing about how much I envy people who get pregnant without actively trying. (Sometimes I wonder how that happens. With the window of being able to become pregnant being so small, how on earth do 2 people manage to get pregnant on accident, while 2 people who know what they are doing and are trying to get pregnant don’t?) I know it was just a dream but obviously it’s one of those things floating right at the top of my head.

I know I shouldn’t be overthinking this. I know I just need to let it be and wait. But it’s hard. I want to be pregnant so badly and now my mom seems to be asking me at any opportunity if we are. It was one of the first things she asked when we came home from Hawaii. I want to be pregnant this cycle because it means an October baby, which I have always, always wanted. We bought a onesie in Hawaii. Something of an inside joke between us and my parents (when they went to Hawaii in 2010, they brought back a shirt for Cameron that had the state fish, the Humuhumunukunukuapua’a, and said he had to be able to pronounce it before he could marry me. We found a green onesie with the fish and the name on it and we thought it was too perfect to pass up, so we bought it) and everyone thought it was funny and I am sincerely hoping that the universe sees it as an invitation and not a challenge/jinx. I do not believe in the notion of “god’s timing” (probably would have to believe in god for that to work), there is only my and my husband’s timing. But I do think the universe has a general way about it. I just hope we are fitting into it.

Learning to Follow My Own Advice

“But that’s just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.” – Alice in Wonderland

My last post was about what I was considering for my New Year’s Resolution(s). I came to realize today that one of my resolutions has to be more of a personal journey than one of physical, outward achievement.

I need to learn to shut off my brain sometimes. I need to let myself get out of my head and not dwell so much on the negativity that tends to breed there. Whether that’s through writing it out, or talking it out, or just taking a long hot soak in the tub, I can’t let the stupid inside my head get to me.

Most of it (okay, 99.9% of it), lately, has to do with this whole trying to get pregnant thing. It’s a big deal, don’t get me wrong. But I feel like sometimes I make it into a bigger deal than it has to be. Most of it is that I’m scared–not of getting pregnant, but of not getting pregnant. I’ve been afraid for so long that I wouldn’t ever be able to get pregnant (which is apparently a pretty common fear, but when you think about that it makes sense) that now that we are trying, a whole lot of insecurity and fear has popped up in me and I am absolutely terrified that we won’t be able to get pregnant on our own. Especially since that’s all I want. So I begin to obsess. What if–what if–what if. What if I counted wrong or my cycle is longer than normal and I actually ovulated on this day instead of this day – what if I didn’t ovulate at all – what if I’ve got this whole thing completely wrong – All day long. It’s not healthy.

Part of me feels like I will annoy the Better Half if I talk about it all the time, despite the fact that he assures me otherwise. He wants to know what is going on just as much as I do. Part of me feels like talking about this symptom and that symptom is really stupid. But when it comes down to it, that’s what I need to do–talk about it. I need to follow my own advice and just talk. Because like I have always said, it’s when it sits in there that it just gets worse and worse. Talking is like letting the pressure valve off. And I need to do it more often.

And while I’m on the subject of talking and letting the pressure out–the reason this all came up today is yesterday and today I’ve had some cramping going on and while the reasonable part of me wants to say “hey, you’re right in that window where you might be getting implantation cramping–yay!” the pessimistic, stupid part of me wants to say “what if it’s just ovary pain because your ovaries are broken and don’t work.” Work that logic out because I definitely can’t.

I’m trying to count on it being the result of the former, of course. Cross your fingers.

Pondering New Years’ Resolutions

I feel like pointing out before I start writing this blog that I am using some orajel to clear up a sore I have on my gum (from a rogue pretzel stick on Christmas day) and the numbing agent seems to be going everywhere in my mouth except for on the sore. Go figure.

Anyway, that’s not what I was going to write about. What I’m writing about today is New Year’s Resolutions. We all make them, don’t we? Either directly or indirectly, serious or not serious. We all think about the new year being the time to let go of the old and usher in the new.

And so of course I’m pondering what I shall make my new year’s resolution. I always think of new year’s resolutions as a way to set a goal for myself to achieve throughout the year. And I usually try to keep it specific–“being fit and healthy” is way too broad and personally I think that’s why a lot of people give that goal up within the first few weeks of the year. Keep it specific! To brag a little, I’m 2 for 2 as far as making resolutions and keeping them goes. In 2011, I resolved that by the end of the year, my novel would be completed and ready to start sending to agents. Check. In 2012, I resolved that I would find an agent by the end of the year. And that I did too! Now, obviously the next logical step would be to resolve in 2013 that by the end of the year my book would be on its way to publication or already published, but unfortunately that notion is somewhat out of my hands. If my experience with the effects of Hurricane Sandy on my agents has been any indication, there are a lot of factors that are completely out of my hands in the world of publishing. The revision process could be slowed by any and all factors and who knows how long it will take to get a publisher interested. So obviously I want to see it in publication by the end of the year, but realistically I know that’s probably not possible. But as long as I’m working towards it, I’m a happy camper.

(Thought break here–I forgot to post about the fact that I finally got in contact with my agent and we are having a meeting at the end of January when I come back from Hawaii to discuss starting revisions.)

So, where do I go from there? If having my book published by the end of the year is not a realistic or possible goal, what other goals for 2013 should I have? Continuing to write, obviously, is one of them. But that’s kind of a yearly (i.e. for the rest of my life) kind of goal and it’s too broad. Read more. Yes, that’s something I should always be doing. It’s been hard for me to decide on something I want to work on during the year! Here’s a few I’ve thought about:

  • Improve my French
  • Start sommelier classes (fancy word for wine snob)
  • Take a few culinary classes or find a way to go back to school
  • Complete a new novel (again, something that’s sort of out of my hands if the agents want me to pursue one thing or another)
  • Finish the Song of Ice and Fire series (I’m still in book 2)
  • Finish some serious home renovations (i.e. painting the rest of the house)

I’ve got a lot of interests! It’s going to be tough for me to decide. I get thinking about the things I want to do and then I come back to the fact that I really can’t plan for much because life changes so drastically sometimes. Obviously if I get pregnant this year, I’m not going to be starting sommelier classes. Life is always changing like that. You have to roll with the punches but still find goals that you can fit inside the ebb and flow of every day life.

Well, good thing I still have a couple days to think about it. Sometimes making resolutions is hard!