Sorry, dear readers. This is not a Hawaii post. I want to devote some time to the next update and needed to write about some other things in the meantime. So if you’re here for a Hawaii post, you can probably skip this one, unless you’re interested in reading about my TTC rambles.
Preface One: Fair warning to those of you who are in a difficult place, you might not want to read any farther because it includes a fair amount of TTC bitching. I know sometimes it’s difficult to read so consider this your chance to turn away now.
Preface Two: I know many of you might read this and think I have nothing to bitch about and don’t get me wrong, I know I’m still very fresh to this whole experience and in the grand scheme of things I have nothing to bitch about, but I have to get all of this off my chest. So just keep that in mind.
Coming into this whole trying to get pregnant thing I had no idea how hard it would be to deal with the whole Two Week Wait thing. Boy do I envy people who get pregnant by accident. And I hate them a little, too, in the nicest way that one could be hated. If you’ve ever experienced this you know what I mean. It just seems so much easier than dealing with the counting and the monitoring and the waiting. Ugh, the waiting. And being that we started off on this whole thing actively trying, (rather than just haphazardly hoping it might happen) I don’t know how to go BACK to just letting it happen and being surprised. I don’t know if I can, mentally. Not such a big deal for the hubby, maybe, but probably too hard for me now that I know what needs to happen when.
Before we left for Hawaii, I took a test. BFN. It was within 5 or 6 days of when my period was supposed to come so I figured that was it. But then my period was 6 days late when we got to Hawaii. I tried to reason with myself that it was the stress of the travel and the new environment and the new bed and the new food, even though I have never been that late, ever. Part of me also started to fret that the previous ovulation had been off, or I’d miscounted, or that something was wrong, which sent me into a complete tailspin of worry. So naturally by the 4th and 5th and 6th day with no period I started to really wonder. I bought a test while we were there and it too said negative. I was cautiously optimistic, but, alas, good ol’ Aunt Flo arrived on our first night in Maui. Sigh. I worried that my whole next cycle was going to be all fucked up, but right around the time when I re-counted for ovulation, all signs said go.
I had a really good feeling while we were there. A really good one. I was really hopeful that it might have happened this time. And then, on the very last day of the trip, I woke up with a UTI. This would be a complete bummer in and of itself without all the worries that popped into my head about taking antibiotics and what if that interfered with conception or implantation and all that stuff. I went to an urgent care clinic a couple blocks from our hotel because I know the symptoms and I knew it was only going to get worse and I was not about to spend 8 hours on a plane with a raging UTI. The doctor spoke more Japanese than English so it really wasn’t an option for me to ask if there was any chance that the antibiotics he put me on would affect anything. I frantically texted my nurse friend back home and she told me not to worry, but of course it didn’t help a whole lot. Needless to say that really good feeling I’d had a couple days before was somewhat deflated.
And so here I am, 10 DPO and trying desperately not to overthink everything and not to symptom spot and all that because I know it helps absolutely nothing. I actually deleted my fertility monitor apps on my phone because I realized I was thinking about that all the time and it probably helped nothing. Last night I woke up with some mild period-like cramps, which I typically get about a week before my period arrives, so of course I then sat up for the next 2 hours with a complete feeling of dread. (Although to my own peace of mind, usually about a week before my period is expected I actually get really bad cramps for one night, and these were very mild, so I am holding out hope that it was just something else going on in there.) Then I fell asleep and had a dream that my brother and his girlfriend got pregnant. Before us. My brother is 20 and as good a guy as he is, he has no business being a father right now. He still lives at home and I don’t know if he can boil water. Not to mention he’s only been with this girlfriend for a couple of months and–like I said, as nice as they are–I think getting pregnant would be a challenge, to put it nicely. And of course it would be massively hurtful, even if they hadn’t meant it to be. Goes back to that thing about how much I envy people who get pregnant without actively trying. (Sometimes I wonder how that happens. With the window of being able to become pregnant being so small, how on earth do 2 people manage to get pregnant on accident, while 2 people who know what they are doing and are trying to get pregnant don’t?) I know it was just a dream but obviously it’s one of those things floating right at the top of my head.
I know I shouldn’t be overthinking this. I know I just need to let it be and wait. But it’s hard. I want to be pregnant so badly and now my mom seems to be asking me at any opportunity if we are. It was one of the first things she asked when we came home from Hawaii. I want to be pregnant this cycle because it means an October baby, which I have always, always wanted. We bought a onesie in Hawaii. Something of an inside joke between us and my parents (when they went to Hawaii in 2010, they brought back a shirt for Cameron that had the state fish, the Humuhumunukunukuapua’a, and said he had to be able to pronounce it before he could marry me. We found a green onesie with the fish and the name on it and we thought it was too perfect to pass up, so we bought it) and everyone thought it was funny and I am sincerely hoping that the universe sees it as an invitation and not a challenge/jinx. I do not believe in the notion of “god’s timing” (probably would have to believe in god for that to work), there is only my and my husband’s timing. But I do think the universe has a general way about it. I just hope we are fitting into it.