“But that’s just the trouble with me. I give myself very good advice, but I very seldom follow it.” – Alice in Wonderland
My last post was about what I was considering for my New Year’s Resolution(s). I came to realize today that one of my resolutions has to be more of a personal journey than one of physical, outward achievement.
I need to learn to shut off my brain sometimes. I need to let myself get out of my head and not dwell so much on the negativity that tends to breed there. Whether that’s through writing it out, or talking it out, or just taking a long hot soak in the tub, I can’t let the stupid inside my head get to me.
Most of it (okay, 99.9% of it), lately, has to do with this whole trying to get pregnant thing. It’s a big deal, don’t get me wrong. But I feel like sometimes I make it into a bigger deal than it has to be. Most of it is that I’m scared–not of getting pregnant, but of not getting pregnant. I’ve been afraid for so long that I wouldn’t ever be able to get pregnant (which is apparently a pretty common fear, but when you think about that it makes sense) that now that we are trying, a whole lot of insecurity and fear has popped up in me and I am absolutely terrified that we won’t be able to get pregnant on our own. Especially since that’s all I want. So I begin to obsess. What if–what if–what if. What if I counted wrong or my cycle is longer than normal and I actually ovulated on this day instead of this day – what if I didn’t ovulate at all – what if I’ve got this whole thing completely wrong – All day long. It’s not healthy.
Part of me feels like I will annoy the Better Half if I talk about it all the time, despite the fact that he assures me otherwise. He wants to know what is going on just as much as I do. Part of me feels like talking about this symptom and that symptom is really stupid. But when it comes down to it, that’s what I need to do–talk about it. I need to follow my own advice and just talk. Because like I have always said, it’s when it sits in there that it just gets worse and worse. Talking is like letting the pressure valve off. And I need to do it more often.
And while I’m on the subject of talking and letting the pressure out–the reason this all came up today is yesterday and today I’ve had some cramping going on and while the reasonable part of me wants to say “hey, you’re right in that window where you might be getting implantation cramping–yay!” the pessimistic, stupid part of me wants to say “what if it’s just ovary pain because your ovaries are broken and don’t work.” Work that logic out because I definitely can’t.
I’m trying to count on it being the result of the former, of course. Cross your fingers.
Two Lattes and One Bean 